Here at CBS, we frequently hear the word “defiant” used when caregivers describe challenging moments with their children. As parents, we often ask our children to do reasonable and routine tasks—or to stop engaging in behaviors that are annoying or unsafe—countless times each day. When the response is a rapid “No,” “You can’t make me,” or other protest behaviors that communicate the same resistance, we often label it as defiance.
Culturally, defiance directed at adults is seen as inappropriate. We may call it disrespectful. We may call it unacceptable. But what if we paused to look a little deeper?
Most of the families I support have children who are neurodivergent — children whose brains process information, language, and sensory input differently than their parents or I might. When a child says “no” to a seemingly reasonable request, it’s easy to see it as a problem that needs fixing. The child, we assume, needs to “listen.”
But what if we turned the situation around? What might we discover if we became more curious, and asked ourselves what our child’s “no” is really trying to tell us?
A recent conversation with a parent reminded me of the value in listening more deeply. They shared frustration that their capable adolescent often responded with an immediate “no” to any request—but if the parent returned a few minutes later and made the same request, the child would typically say “yes.”
So what’s really going on?
What if that adolescent isn’t being defiant at all, but is simply asking for more time—time to process the language of the instruction, to shift attention, to motor plan, to emotionally prepare for a transition? What if their “no” really means “I need a moment to think about this.”
When we shift our focus from compliance to connection—when we choose curiosity over correction—we may find that our children have been listening all along. They may not always respond on our timeline, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t responding. Sometimes, they just need us to listen to the “no” before they’re ready to say “yes.”